contented? or afraid?

today one of my co-workers told me she wanted to set me up with a mutual acquaintance whom she’d recently gotten to know a little better. she thinks we’d have fun and that he’s a good guy. he’s cute, tall (a trait which i love but don’t require in a guy) and seems to have a good sense of humor. he seems like he’d be interesting to get to know.

the funny thing is my first reaction wasn’t “yippee!” it was more “i don’t know” and totally wishy-washy which is weird for me. i usually am a bit shy, but i’m usually at least interested in the idea. and today, all i could think was it sounded like a lot of effort. effort to put my best foot forward, to get to know someone, to invest, to risk. it just sounded like too much. and in my head, i went fast forward to what if we get along, what in my life would have change for us to have a relationship? and do i really want to change my life?

which all led to me thinking wow, am i really that contented with my life? i do love where i live, i love my job (98% of the time), i have great friends…life is good. but there’s this part of me that has always wanted to be married and a mom and if i’m not careful i can get caught up in envying my married friends who have a family and aren’t on their own. so why if i’ve spent so long dreaming about having that do i not jump at a chance to take the first step towards that life–a date?

am i really that contented in my life? or am i afraid to risk? or am i afraid that finding love will take more work and be less romantic than i hope for?

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